Batman & Robin

Why Batman & Robin?

Put simply, it's not just a terrible movie but an easy one to comment on and I believe it to be a good “start off” film for this attempt at a blog. It's a film I've seen enough times before to know the key points I want to hit (though I did endure another viewing in preparation for writing this), it's a film with plenty of nuances to ridicule, and it's a film plenty of people have seen before so it's easy to get (possible) readers on the same page.

Opening Thoughts

The film is a mess and it looks terrible. Gotham isn't the dark, imposing intimidating place it should be. But even as a bright, colorful, neon-colored city, it still looks like a cheap backlot set. It also has that dude on the cover of Atlas Shrugged cradling testicles.

The best theory I have come up with for why the film is the way it is, is that Joel Schumacher attempted to create a big budget version of the 1960s Batman television series. With gadgets like the Bat Bomb and the Bat Credit Card and the utter flamboyance of everything, Schumacher might have been inspired more by Adam West than by Frank Miller. The Penguin's rubber fingerprints in Batman: The Movie could be seen as a precursor for Robin's rubber lips in this film. Commissioner Gordon being a fat, incompetent mess might be yet another example but, from what I remember, the series' version was a lot more on the ball.

However, just like Bryan Singer missed the tone of the original Superman movies in his “let's take as much shit from the Donner films before we're sued, except make it unlikeable” Superman Returns, Schumacher missed the tone of the series. The West show was unabashedly fun and shamelessly over-the-top. Batman & Robin attempts to keep the over-the-topness while also trying to include some drama (Alfred's MacGregor Syndrome), angst (Robin) and a cockiness and vibe of superiority that the series didn't have. While the original series did the best with a small budget, this film did the worst with a big one. You can't be kitschy with hundreds of millions of dollars at your disposal.

Bat Nipples and Ice Puns

I guess the best place to start to criticize the film is with the film's most obvious and memorable problems.

The Bat Nipples are probably the most well known and despised of the film's many travesties. It's the Dark Knight and his (and Robin's) costume has nipples. It really takes away from the fear and intimidation of Gotham's protector. However, concentrating on the Bat Nipples ignores that the film is pretty upfront over the curious nature of the costumes; it even opens with close-ups of the Bat (and Robin) Butt and Bulge.

Mr. Freeze's ice puns are truly horrendous and the vast majority of them make absolutely no sense. The puns are so bad and made even worse through Arnold's barely-understandable accent. Unfortunately, because they were so notable and so terrible, they tend to overshadow the rest of the dialogue, which as a whole make up one of the worst scripts ever written. For example,

Robin to Poison Ivy: “Is your thumb the only part of you that's green?” What? Ew.

Ivy: “You will just have to find out.”

Robin: “I want us to be together but I want to make sure you’re serious about turning over a new leaf. I need a sign.” In addition to its awkward wordiness, it shows that Arnold isn't alone when it came to Oscar-winning screenwriter Akiva Goldman's hard-on for ridiculously terrible puns.

Ivy: “How about slippery when wet?” What? Oh. Oh! Nice. *thumbs up*

And, when the film starts with this brilliant exchange:

Robin: “I want a car. Chicks dig the car.”

Batman: “This is why Superman works alone.”

You know you're in for a bad time. Moreover, it begs the question, does Superman exist in the Batman & Robin world or is it just a reference to a fictional character comic book?

Batgirl

Starting out (more or less) with Batgirl might seem an unlikely place to begin the bulk of the review but in many ways, she epitomizes the worst elements of the movie.

Disrespect for Fans

The idea of respecting comic fans is a relatively new concept in the film world. It probably wasn't until the success of the first X-Men and Spider-Man movies that studios realized that playing to the geek-verse is a smart thing to do. While they don't always heed that advice (Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four: Rise of Silver Surfer, X3, The Punisher (not Punisher: War Zone, which is pretty cool) among others), it's something that has to be taken into account.

Batman & Robin does not care about Batman fans. (Neither does Batman Forever for that matter- just look at how they handled Two Face. (For those who have forgotten, Tommy Lee Jones re-flips his coin until he gets the result he wants.)) Maybe disrespect is too harsh a word. It's more like they just didn't care and this shows in every aspect of the film from the colorful Gotham set design to the Day-Glo gangs to Bat Nipples and Batgirl is a great example of how little the filmmakers cared about the history of the franchise or the characters. Even Birds of Prey understood the character better.

Barbara does not share the qualities of her progenitor Barbara Gordon, daughter of Commissioner Gordon. She's Barbara Something, Alfred's niece. Not great-niece or great-grand daughter- niece. Considering how Alfred is 122 years old, something is clearly up.

Odd Relationship with Alfred/What Is Up With The Pennyworthses?

We know Barbara is Alfred's niece because of this line from the-only-needs-a-cough-with-blood-to-be-more-melodramatically-dying Alfred: “Barbara is the daughter of my dear sister Margaret.”

At the time of Batman & Robin's release, Michael Gough- the actor who played Alfred- was 80 (and looked every day of it, and then some). Even assuming his sister was fifteen years younger than him; she still would have been ridiculously old when she had the now 20-ish Barbara. No wonder both of Barbara's parents died in a car accident, her mother was probably driving.

What makes the weird situation with Peg- Alfred's “nickname for sweet Margaret” (continue lavishing on the compliments there old man; you start to wonder if there's a cut scene of Alfred talking about his one true love whom he never bore his soul to...his sister) - even weirder is that the only memento Alfred and Barbara seem to have of her is a photograph that looks like the still of a silent movie starlet.

She's ready for her close up Herr Goebbels.

But the borderline incestuousness of the Pennyworths does not stop with Alfred and Peg. In one scene, Barbara comes to “tuck [Alfred] into bed” and then gently strokes his hair repeatedly. Niece bad touch.

At the end, it turns out that Alfred custom-made Barbara a batsuit without her knowledge. Of course that begs the question of, how does Alfred know Barbara's size (XL?) well enough to make her a fetish-y batsuit whilst dying and Max Headrooming himself (he puts his brainwaves into a computer)?

Maybe Alfred is Barbara's father. It would explain a few things. Barbara comes across as pretty stupid and she looks a bit...off.

The moment the 1995 Clueless boner died around the country

Batman Seems to Fucking Hate Her … And Rightfully So

There is not much good to say about George Clooney's take on Bruce Wayne/Batman. But if there's one positive thing to say, it's that he seems barely able to tolerate Barbara.

EXCHANGE 1: while walking through a hedge maze when Barbara first arrives and Bruce looks bored as fuck:

Bruce to Barbara: “[You go to] Oxbridge Academy.”

Barbara to Bruce: “How do you know?”

Bruce: “It says so on the patch on your sweater.”

Sure, this isn't exactly showing off the world's greatest detective's skills when the patch takes up one quarter of the ensemble, but his delivery shows his utter impatience with her daftness. Also, good job Barbara on making the school girl outfit frumpy.

EXCHANGE 2: after defeating Poison Ivy comes what might be the STUPIDEST moment in the entire movie:

Batman: “And you are?”

Batgirl: “Batgirl!”

Batman *barely containing his annoyance*: “That's not awfully PC. What about Batperson or Batwoman?”

Batgirl: “Bruce! It's me Barbara!”

No fucking shit doofus. What with the long blonde hair, warped lips, stupid voice, barely an eye mask to conceal your identity and you live with them. Who could ever tell?

She's Borderline Incompetent But Still Better than Robin

Robin remains a whiny, petulant thirty-year-old man-child. Throughout the entire film he cries to Batman about Batman taking charge and how Batman doesn't trust him enough. From the start of the movie, it's clear that Robin considers himself equal to Batman. He wants to be his partner. And not in a gay way.

Except, they are not partners. Batman has the gadgets, the talent, the money, the age, the experience and the wisdom. Without him, Dick would just be an orphan. An unlikeable, 35-year-old orphan without the body of an acrobat.

Furthermore, Robin does nothing in this movie to prove he's worth being equal to Batman; he doesn't even deserve to be Batman's sidekick. Robin constantly gets himself into easily avoidable scrapes, like awkwardly lunging at Mr. Freeze (after Batman protests) only to get frozen, which allows Freeze to escape.

He easily falls into Poison Ivy's traps and... what else? He doesn't really help anybody. Even at an auction, he and Batman have this exchange while trying to impress Poison Ivy.

Robin: “$5 million!”

Batman: “You don't have it!”

Robin: “I'll borrow it from you!”

Who in town is a millionaire that hangs out with a young guy? Pheromone dust is no excuse for that lapse of judgment.

At least Batgirl does things. Sure Batman could do them better and quicker, but she has some minor accomplishments during the film. She reconfigures satellites at the end, even though it took Batman to teach her that even though it's dark in America, it's not dark all over the world. She also kicks “Poison Ivy's botanical butt! Yeah that was me! I did it all by myself! That was me!” (her stupid words, not mine). Again, Batman could have done it but Batgirl happened to. She solves the three-letter riddle of Alfred's CD. She also doesn't whine during 75% of her scenes.

Also, she kicks Robin's ass. That's right. Robin, the Boy Wonder. Robin, Batman's partner who throws hissy fits for more responsibility. Robin, who has the upper hand by trying to jump her in darkness, gets his ass handed to him by Barbara. Maybe he does need more hours in the training simulator.

Motorcycle Race

The ass-kicking scene comes before what might be the worst sequence in the movie: the motorcycle race. This part, like a lot of the movie, is nothing but indulgent. But what makes it the worst is that it's pure indulgence. It serves absolutely no point, it doesn't further any characters, it doesn't involve Batman or any of the costumes, it's not shot or edited particularly well, it's not exciting, and it lasts for three minutes. With all the stunts, sets, and pyrotechnics involved, the price for those three minutes could have probably funded a movie on its own.

A lot of moments in this movie are insignificant, such as Bruce Wayne's non-love interest with Elle Macpherson (which served no purpose unless Alfred actually did have a cut scene where he declared his non-sibling-like love for his deceased sister), but the motorcycle race is the most unnecessary and it's very garish. What's supposed to be Gotham's seedy underbelly looks like a small town rave. Day-Glo colors, gangs that make the Warriors look manly (how dare they co-opt Alex and his Droogs!),

and Coolio.

To give the filmmakers credit, however, they were onto stupid vehicle races years before The Fast And The Furious.

Poison Ivy

That's enough on Batgirl. Let's continue the misogyny by ranting about Poison Ivy.

Who is Poison Ivy and where does she get her powers? Let her explain herself:

Poison Ivy (after her Catwoman from Batman Returns death/life ripoff scene): “They (the plants, presumably) replaced my blood with aloe, my skin with chlorophyll and my filled my lips with … venom.”

Aloe is not a liquid. It's actually a genus of about four hundred species of plants. It's the “homo” in “homo sapien.” She could be referring to aloe vera, which is a plant and not a liquid. Or, she could be referring to some form of aloe extract like in moisturizes and balms, but that might be more colloidal than liquid. Isn't it? I'm not a botanist.

Chlorophyll is a pigment that turns plants green. So shouldn't her skin be green? And since chlorophyll is essential for photosynthesis, does she receive energy from the sun? Like Superman?

Or she could have been exaggerating for dramatic effect.

Does Not Make With The Sexy

Poison Ivy should be erotic. Poison Ivy is a sensual character and Uma Thurman can be sexy. But Uma plays Poison Ivy like a drag queen with absolutely no concept of lasciviousness.

The 1940s voice (which Ivy, for some reason, affects) can definitely be sexy, as any fan of femme fatales can tell you, but not here, Even the tight outfit she's wearing isn't attractive. It's actually kind of modest, like a dancer's leotard. Maybe the problem was that Poison Ivy in this film was too cartoony, too broad to convey any sort of eroticism. (I honestly thought she was hotter as kinda nutty Pamela Eisley than as Poison Ivy.)

With all the talk about her pheromone dusts and being irresistible, it makes you wonder if she was actually supposed to be some sort of sex goddess. Instead, she comes across as conceived by people who have no idea what sexuality is, but want to pretend that they do. (Like the type of people who use the term sex goddess. Present company excluded.)

Bane

Bane, the man responsible for breaking Batman's back, appears in this movie as Poison Ivy's lackey. More than that, he's a retarded gimp.

By retarded, I actually mean mentally retarded. (And yes, despite the “anti-r-word” campaign, that word is okay to use. Just don't use the horribly offensive word 'dumb' to describe stupid people because then you'll hear a thing or two. Actually, you probably won't.) Bane can barely string two words together and just repeats what the previous person said. He's actually more retarded than retards.

And by gimp I mean, Pulp Fiction style, with a leather wrestling outfit, goofy bondage mask and spiked collar that make all BDSM practitioners hide their faces in shame.

And, to add insult to injury, he doesn't do anything other than stand-alone during the picture. He ends up defeated by Batgirl and Robin when they kick a tube from the back of his head,

Her Ending

After luring Robin to her lair, she attempts to kiss him with her poison lips but is foiled by Robin because he's wearing rubber lips. (Again, one of the stupider moments of the movie. Rubber fucking lips? To defeat lip-spread toxins?)

I guess if latex can stop AIDS...

A fight between her, Robin, Batman and Batgirl occurs. (She really shouldn't have loaned Bane out to Freeze.) Poison Ivy is defeated when kicked into her version of Audrey 2.

(Between A Clockwork Orange and Little Shop of Horrors, what other WB properties were they hankering to ripoff?)

We next see her in a cell at Arkham babbling to herself “he loves me...he loves me not” while peeling the petals off a flower. But who is he? I've never been quite sure whether or not she's attracted to Mr. Freeze. She comes across as a bit jealous that he has a wife (and even tries to kill Mrs. Freeze), she seems confused that her pheromone dust doesn't work on him, but she doesn't seem to have the hots for him. In the same way that she isn't erotic, she doesn't seem particularly attracted to anyone other than herself and plants. So...who knows?

Then Mr. Freeze shows up in his power suit, tells her he's her new cellmate and that he's going to make her life a living hell.

Why would the directors at Arkham allow this? For starters, co-ed cells seem stupid. Beyond that, Ivy and Freeze clearly had a bad history. They were criminal masterminds together and then they had a severe falling out. Having them in the same cell, having them even see one another without supervision is a bad idea. So did Mr. Freeze slip the guards a few diamonds to allow him to beat and possibly rape her? That hardly seems right. Unless Arkham is like Oz.

Mr. Freeze

Mr. Freeze is supposed to be one of those tragic villains. He was a scientist, his wife contracted MacGregor's syndrome (a fictional disease along the lines of Groat's Disease that conveniently Alfred gets), he worked to cure her, fell into a vat of ...something, and is kept alive by an ice suit powered by diamonds.

I guess we're supposed to pity him because of the unfortunate circumstances behind his transformation but it doesn't work. Even when we see him stare at his wife, who is kept alive in the container they have Barbie shoes in in the front of an F.A.O. Schwartz,

or cry and the tear turns to ice, it fails even worse than Sandman in Spider-Man 3. Maybe because he's an asshole.

Aside from the crime thing, he regularly watches (and forces his henchmen to watch and sing along to) the Snow Miser song from The Year Without a Santa Claus (I assume he doesn't watch the rest), wears polar bear slippers and has a hideout in an ice cream factory. He also seems to have a bit of jungle fever...not that that makes him an asshole or bad person; it's just somewhat odd to put in.

Anyway, his major criminal enterprise is stealing diamonds because diamonds power his power suit and diamonds are essential to cure his wife. One thing that's always puzzled me is, why couldn't he just borrow the diamonds? The suit didn't seem to destroy the diamonds and it's doubtful that people who want to buy diamonds do so for their laser power.

I also find it curious that he wins at the end. He gets to beat the shit out of (and possibly rape) Poison Ivy, keep his power suit that gives him increased strength, and work on his wife in the Arkham Lab. Maybe he had foresight and poisoned Alfred with MacGregor's so he could cut a deal with Batman if his scheme didn't work out. It was awfully convenient he had those two antidote vials on him right at the end.

Insurance...or a $15 drink at a strip club?

Batman, Batgadgets, and Thankfully, We Are Nearing the End

Having odd things on you at useful moments is not unusual in this film. In fact, the movie begins with such an event.

Batman & Robin go out to patrol, get the call from Commissioner Gordon that a new villain named Mr. Freeze has taken over the Gotham Museum and presumably drive straight to the museum. They find the place covered in ice, and BOOM their boots have ice skates.

Why? Do they always have ice skates on them just in case? Other such gadgets include the Bat Credit Card,

the rubber lips, and “Bat Bombs.” It definitely adds to the aforementioned Adam West Batman series vibe.

Oddly enough, the one time when The Bat Team really should have just made do with what was on their backs, was the one time when they seem to go back to the Bat Cave. After defeating Poison Ivy, they have precious little time to stop Mr. Freeze before he freezes Gotham City (and the world) by a giant telescope he turned into a giant ice ray (just go with it). When the Caped Crusaders know they need to rush, they're wearing their traditional outfits, but the next time we see them...

All new outfits! They actually go back to the Cave and change! Why? They offer no reasoning for their change of suits. Are they more thermal? We don't know! (Backtracking: so Alfred made Batgirl two bat suits on short notice?)

And, after all I've said, I don't really have much to say about Batman specifically. Maybe it's why Arnold's name comes before Clooney's in the credits.

Conclusion

So there. This Blog's first review- a 3500-plus word take on Batman & Robin, thirteen years and about a thousand people too late to be relevant or original. But I needed something to start with and this was as good as any.

If anyone happens to find their way to this drivel through their web travels, feel free to e-mail me at cinemasochistblog@gmail.com or post a comment here.

Until next time when I probably do Battlefield: Earth, man-animals. I am willing to entertain other suggestions.

P.S.

Before I forget, Alfred gives Barbara a CD to give to his brother that contains ALL of Bruce Wayne's secrets, the blueprints for all the Bat-gadgets and Bruce's skeletal and musculature systems, apparently.

What is the password for this ridiculously important CD? PEG. A three letter password (any idiot can hack that and a computer expert like Barbara ought to be should have; she should not have spent her time aimlessly guessing) and one that is literally written right next to where he sits. For shame Pennyworth, you creepy old fucker.