NOTE 1: I started writing this last week as soon as it was announced that CBS fired Charlie Sheen from the hit sitcom Two and A Half Man. It should have been obvious to everyone that the Charlie Sheen media blitz was coming to an end. When vocalizations of insanity get co-opted as catchphrases for t-shirts and bumper stickers, it loses its appeal. Sure, we had a fun week or two, but how long can it last after the initial shock? People were getting tired and, worst of all, bored with the situation. Even Charlie seems to have come down from his manic frenzy but still has to maintain the character long after the novelty has worn off and he wants to move onto different projects. He has become typecast in his own life. Then the Japanese earthquake/tsunami/earthquake happened and Charlie Sheen has moved off the front page completely. So obviously, I'm a bit behind the curve when it comes to throwing in my two cents to the situation.
NOTE 2: I've never seen Two and a Half Men so, like everyone writing about a topic they know nothing about, I relied on Wikipedia. (Fun Fact: Half Man is Jon Cryer's character's son.)
NOTE 3: Just bear with me. Or don't read.
With last week's announcement that CBS fired Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men, everyone (well, a lot of people) was (were) left wondering, “What’s going to happen with the show?” Well, Charlie Sheen himself practically wrote the show's next season.
As the show's ninth year begins, Charlie (a genuine warlock) is missing. Following the loss of their patriarch, Jon Cryer and The Kid must don their cloaks and go on a grave adventure of endless forests and enchanted castles to find their hero. As Charlie is a warlock, so is his brother, Jon Cryer. The Kid serves as an apprentice.
As they progress along their peril-filled journey, we (and Jon Cryer and The Kid) learn about Charlie's kidnapping. While practicing magicks, Charlie peered through the looking glass and saw the world as it truly is. Evil Trolls (Racist Jewish caricatures like Billy Crystal in The Princess Bride) control the money; the Brothers Warner control the people through mead and traveling propaganda troupes; and the Catholic Church controls the government. When Charlie attempted to warn the people of the shire, the Warriors of the Joint Venture captured him.
See, Charlie is no ordinary warlock. His tiger blood and Adonis DNA exist in the perfect proportion to make him the most powerful warlock of the land. If the bad guys can harness his essence, it will grant them one thousand years of total control. Furthermore, each evil party has their own plans for Charlie. His ability to turn tin cans into gold (similar to Rumpelstiltskin) can drastically affect the economy, and Trolls love gold. The Catholic Church wants to torture Charlie because his work as a Vatican assassin cost them hundreds of their top spies. And the Brothers Warner want to brainwash Charlie, bring him back into the fold, and use him to further manipulate the townspeople who eat their slop like pigs at a trough.
Jon Cryer and The Kid collect most of this information from Knights of the Realm, who are on their own quest to destroy this tyranny, during a 5-6 episode storyline early in the season. Ring Wraith-ian creatures obliterate the Knights during November sweeps.
Meanwhile, also in the story, Jon Cryer and The Kid learn about their wizardry powers as the audience learns about the strange new world they inhabit. For example, when Troll King Chaim tries to infest the two with his poisons (similar to the poppies scene in The Wizard of Oz), all they need is their minds to break free of the addiction. No matter how many drugs they ingest, they don't just survive but throw parties of legend, told for generations through myth and song. They encounter Goddesses like April Bowlby, Holland Taylor, Courtney Thorne-Smith, and Melanie Lynskey in bodices. I guess throw in a Sword of Winning needed to defeat some dragon or cross a bridge or something.
The series ends with the gang finding a captive Charlie about to die, still unwilling to submit to his captors even at the expense of his own life. A battle ensues. A Troll fatally wounds Jon Cryer. A ward of the Brothers Warner is about to slice the throat of The Kid. And Charlie, with his last breath, expels his life force into the villains.
Troll children and sons of the Brothers Warner weep over their parents' exploded bodies. The Kid, the lone survivor on the side of good, finally accepts his destiny and understands that they're like animals. And he slaughters them. Like animals. He hates them. No longer an apprentice, he rides into the horizon, ready to bring peace to the land.
Failing that, there's always Apocalypse Now. We know real Charlie has a penchant for the movie and that fake Charlie is a jingle writer. Fake Charlie knows the truth about advertising, manipulation, and brainwashing the gullible public into buying garbage. He has seen the inner workings of industry, the patheticness of man, the emptiness of souls dying to be filled with cutesy slogans and emasculating beer commercials. Fed up with this bullshit, he hides out in Canadian wilderness sending out tweets and u-streams exposing our depraved society. Charlie's employers contact Jon Cryer and request that he terminate his brother's contract, with extreme prejudice. As Jon Cryer travels up the Pacific Coast, he begins to identify with Charlie, understand his message, and view the world as hopeless and broken. When he arrives at the Charlie's compound consisting of Midwesterners that made a pilgrimage to their leader's camp, as well as a half-mad photographer from Entertainment Weekly, he's torn but knows his duty.
